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Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were" said the reporter and he starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked
"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,"Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty....
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Aw dang! My shaft is bent.
3. You really whacked the Hell outta that sucker!
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn! I missed the hole again. |
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Little Johnny bursts through the door and runs straight to the fridge. He grabs a spoon and is digging into the ice cream. Johnny's Mother comes into the kitchen and says,"Johnny! Put that away! It's not all for you. Go outside and play until supper's ready."
"Awww Mom, there's nobody around to do anything with." Johnny answers.
"Well...I'll play with you. What to you want to play?"
"How about we play Mom and Dad?"
She figures she can handle that so asks,"OK, what do you want me to do?"
"You go upstairs to your room and get into bed."
Off she goes upstairs and crawls under the covers of her bed. Johnny gets his Father's fishing hat from the closet and puts it on. He grabs a cigarette butt from an ashtray and sticks it in the corner of his mouth. Up the stairs Johnny strides with unmistakable thingyiness. He walks into the bedroom and his Mother looks up from under the blankets," Oh, you're here. What do you want me to do now?" she asked
"Get your butt outta bed, get downstairs and get Johnny some ice cream!"
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." |
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Have to give credit to Norm C for this one
MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private
Part
hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this .)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
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 hope he's not getting cremated!!! |
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| I guess I'm a Little French Bastard then! It's actually kind of a cool nickname, lol. |
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Joe, the poor bastard, had forgotten his wedding anniversary the last 2 years in a row. His wife wasn't taking any chances by relying on his memory this year. She wanted a gift and she knew what she wanted. Just last week that skinny bitch next door got a new Corvette from her husband. So she warned poor Joe,
"Tomorrow is our anniversary and I had better find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds or less."
Joe had forgotten again and had no time to get a "big" gift. He left for work a little early but when his wife got up and looked out at the driveway...sure enough a small box with a bow. It wasn't a sports car she knew, but was excited anyway and ran out to retrieve her present. When she got back into the house she tore the box open only to find a bathroom scale.
Poor Joe hasn't been seen or heard from since.
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. |
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A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!" |
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A young man just got hired as a sales associate for a large department store. He's with a manager getting a tour before his first shift begins. They are walking through the lawn and garden section when they overhear a customer talking to the associate from that department.
"Let's just stick around and hear how this goes." Says the manager,"Joe is one of our best. Pay attention and you'll learn how he always upsells his customers."
The customer is looking for grass seed and Joe goes for the sell,
" Here's some of our premium seed. Will you also want a garden hose with that?"
The customer is somewhat confused and asks," A hose?"
"Well you'll need to water your new seed."
"Oh yes. Good thinking, I'll take one of those."
The manager is thrilled and is grinning and winking at the new recruit.
"And how about some fertilizer and weed killer?" Joe continued.
"Um, yeah...I guess I'd better take that too." answers the customer.
"OK, here's a few bags of each. That should keep you going. Now, how about a lawnmower? Ride on?"
The customer looks puzzled again,"How's that?"
"Well when that grass grows in you'll be needing to cut it."
"Oh, yes. A ride on with all the attachments is probably the best way to go. I'll take one of those."
"Ok sir, this one is our best. There's just one more thing. You'll need a gas can to fuel your mower."
"Why not. I'll take one." replied the customer.
After the customer leaves, the manager is thrilled and is telling the new guy," There you go! Upsell! Upsell! That's how you do it!"
Impressed and inspired the new associate goes to his department to start work. He is straightening shelves and thinking of the demonstration he just witnessed when a man approached him,"I need to buy a box of Tampax."
"Sure, here you go sir...and would you like to buy a lawnmower with that?"
"Why would I want to do that?" asks the man.
"Well I just figured your weekend is shot to Hell, you may as well mow your lawn."
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Johnny's Little Sister :
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'
Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'
Sally replied, 'No... salty!'
Mom fainted
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One night Little Johnny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He laid there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing.
He walked a little closer to the bed and said, 'Daddy?', voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. 'What are you and Mommy doing?' The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. 'Well, Johnny, I'm...um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?'
'Yes...' replied little Johnny in a timid voice.
'Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mommy for you.'
Johnny smiled and said, 'Oh, ok!' and left the room feeling safe and secure.
The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick- on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms.
The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Johnny sitting on the grass crying. 'What's wrong???'
Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern.
'Daddy! you... you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in Mommy???'
'Yes...' the Dad replied nervously.
'Well... well... Today... *sniff*... the mailman came over and he ate him!'
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A guy is out golfing and gets lost on the course. He goes over to the next hole and there is a lady teeing up. He asks her what hole am I on? She replies "well your a hole behind me and I am on the 7th so that must mean you are on the 6th." The man thanks her and goes back to finish his hole.
On the back nine the same thing happens and he goes and asks the same lady the same question. She replies "well I am on the 16th and your a hole behind so that means you are on the 15th". He thanks her and goes on to play the rest of his round.
After the round of golf he goes into the clubhouse for a drink and the lady who he asked for help is at the bar. He goes over and says "let me buy you a drink for all your help this afternoon." She says OK.
After an hour of talking he tells her he is a toilet paper salesman and that hes been doing it for years. He asks her what she does and she says I can't tell you cause you'll laugh. He says no I won't I promise. She says "I am a tampon sales rep." The man falls off his seat laughing his butt off. She says I told you that you would laugh at me. the man says "It's funny cause I am still a hole behind!!" |
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